There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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