why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
