So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
