My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
