the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
