her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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