when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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