I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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