My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
