I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
