i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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