You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
