Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
