3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
