I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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