Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
