i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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