meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Drake has all the answers
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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