thus making me awesome and them whores
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
