guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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