she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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