I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
