Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
