I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
this hospital has no fireball
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
