I bet he comes in French.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
