I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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