I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Randomize
