I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
