im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
