be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
