She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
