he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
