woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
