you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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