i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
