no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
