So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
