Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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