I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
