woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
