Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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