I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Can I color on your dick again?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
