last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
