I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
