I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
it's like iHOP with fire
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
