we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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