How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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