i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
