I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
