i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
